As reports came in yesterday that Iran had taken responsibility for destroying an American drone which they claim had been in their airspace, National Security Advisor John Bolton was rushed to a Washington D.C. hospital facility for what doctors have confirmed was a near-fatal orgasm relating to the news. Bolton is currently awake and out of danger.
Bolton, born a homicidal psychopath, has been a long-time hawk regarding the Iranian relationship with the U.S. His brother Colton told the Washington Free-Queefer that his obsession began at a young age :
“I think we were 6 and 7. I used to catch John outside burning up ants with gasoline. He’d just pour it on them, toss a match and scream : ‘you’re NUKED!’ Dad took him to one of those doctors that shock people in the brain, but it didn’t do any good. He started talking about Iran afterwards. His eyes would get all squinchy. “
Experts believe that the mere thought that an opportunity to engage in some kind of warfare with Iran, during an election season, was the key to why Bolton became engorged to the point of firehosing his underbriches. For now, however, he remains stable.