Heartbroken Sanders Staffers Return to Selling Weed


Today became a dismal benchmark for the thousands of campaign staffers working to raise their candidate Bernie Sanders into the Democratic nominee chair.  Just before noon, Sanders announced his campaign would suspend, and finally end it’s operation, forcing his phalanx of proud supporters to return to their former lives as marijuana salespeople.

“I’m devastated”, remarked Iowa rep Moonbeam Campbell.  “Like, Biden is so boring!  How did he get ahead of us?  Its so failness factor.  I guess I’m just going back to bouncing koosh next to the the Orange Julius at the mall.”

Former spray paint muralist Shelly Dietzmeyer says she may have to sell acorn jewelry on Ebay again.

California rep and former personal trainer Jimmy Carter Pemberton lamented the defeat while climbing into his Nissan Leaf, which is currently doubling as his home since mom started dating that tool with the mullet from her spin class:

“It just sucks, bro, you know what I mean? All that time I put in.  Licking all those envelopes when I could have been partying at the vape club – it’s such a buzz-harshment, you know?  I guess I’ll just see if the gym owner will still let me sell doobs out behind the weight room.  At least that kept me in organic frozen pizzas.”

The crust is made from califlour and peanuts. The heirloom tomato paste is – oh Christ, just put a shoe on my plate.

Many other disillusioned former Sanders employees have started updating their resumes for neighborhood Jamba Juice and Trader Joe outlets, but it’s feared the job glut coming from the current pandemic crisis will adversely affect those avenues of employment.

It was Sander’s Head of Facebook Advertising Skyler Gumdrop who may have put the sentiment of the day best as she sorted stems from seeds in her apartment over the Peet’s coffee outlet on High street in San Francisco:

“I guess when Democratic socialism fails, it’s back to dank Capitalism.  Oh well.”

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