CNN Finally Gives Up, Begins Airing ‘Walking Dead’ Episodes 24/7

OH, WHY NOT.

Popular cable news network CNN, weary of wall-to-wall coverage of the effects of the current pandemic crisis as the single news story of every day has finally given in, caving to fatigue and apathy, and will begin simply airing back-to-back coverage of all ten seasons of post-apocalyptic drama “The Walking Dead” continuously for the forseeable future.

Guess who’s no help either way. That’s right. Jesus. As usual.

Network executives blame much of the programming change on lack of actual new information of any value, difficulty in interviewing the same guests all day with the same questions, and erosion of digital footage of President Trump ramming his foot into his mouth after multiple broadcasting blocks per hour.  John Guluv, assistant to Juan Williams told the Washingon Daily Queefer a bit about the change and why it’s occurring:

“Well, it’s never good news.  Something else is closed.  Wash your hands.  Don’t have any parties.  Have you seen a WalMart?  It looks like the inside of Kid Rock’s head – empty except for a dented can of sardines.  I mean, I truly think and have faith that America can get through this.  But until then, we might as well just show what everyone’s envisioning anyway.  We’ve had enough with Chris Cuomo going on about ‘AmeriCANS’ and ‘AmeriCAN’TS’ like that’s original and not annoying.  Everyone here at the network hates that guy.  He has ears like satellite dishes searching for alien life.  Personally, I rubbed my dick on his coffee mug once.  I guess I’m an ‘AmeriCAN’T.’  LOL.  I said that out loud.  Ell oh ell.”

Anderson Cooper has already started breaking out in hives whenever Trump tries to pronounce the word “symptoms.”

The shift in programming is set to occur by the end of the week, after more terrible and depressing reports from Trump’s exhausted CDC expert, followed by the exact same advice from that expert’s assistant, followed by even more of the same from the guy who buys all the rubber gloves at the CDC.

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