A momentous and disturbing news report has just broken that former First Lady Hillary Clinton was involved in a freakish accident while attending an impeachment gala held last night at the Nancy Pelosi compound in San Francisco, California and may be as dead as the nerve endings in Mike Pence’s wife’s vagina.
As ambulances and police vehicles ringed the area, clearly stunned witnesses told Joe Baron Barron of the California Daily Pimpslap the scene that had just unfolded within the Speaker’s residence:
“So the party was in full swing, you know? Green Day was jamming through their second set out on the rotunda, Schiff and Omar were up in the Vanilla room doing God knows what to each other…Nancy had already booted and rallied, and was waving an inflatable sex doll around screaming : ‘Look! Melania’s here!’ Hillary, you know, she was standing there, and I guess she was a little too close to the entrance to Nancy’s Jungle Room. All I saw was what looked like a Boa Constrictor whip out and yank her inside. Nobody’s seen either of them since. It was horrible. She had my lighter on her.”
Authorities have combed the area for hours, turning up only a blood-spattered “I’m With Her” keychain fob and a shred of aquamarine pantsuit. San Francisco police are on high alert. Pelosi herself has made no comment on the incident and is believed to have retired for a nap in a room padded with billions of social security dollars.