In what some are calling a dire desperate final warning of Armageddon from a horrifying dystopia, a cybernetic reconstruction of former President Ronald Reagan has suddenly appeared at the Lincoln Memorial in Washington with a terrible warning. Insisting that he has time-travelled back from the year 2033, the CyberReagan told approaching security forces that the Covid19 pandemic was “only a distraction” from the evil mind working right this minute to bring about global destruction – Ryan Seacrest.
The Go-Go Gadget Gipper wove a tale of terrible scope. Seacrest, already a beloved celebrity with his Top 40 radio hosting jobs, guest spots, and hosting positions on American Idol and popular morning show “Seacrest and the Milf” had already been building an encroaching empire of power when the world was struck with the current pandemic crisis. The resulting attention allowed him the freedom to use his billions to purchase media companies, private armies, and several personal space travel devices. One, the “Seacrestian Sling”, was launched on October 4th, 2028, where it landed on Earth’s moon.
Once on the celestial satellite, the vessel had been intended to broadcast a high-level gamma wave, aimed at hypnotizing the human population below into complete submission, allowing the 130 lb milkshake enthusiast to exercise complete dominance. However, an unforseen glitch in a Windows 18 operating system caused the weapon to malfunction, instead releasing a massive epsilon wave, which rendered 99% of all living creatures hopelessly sexually attracted to pumpkins. Within a year’s time, the damage was irreversible.
Fortunately, the Mechanical Great Communicator had been activated as part of a secret US military project known as “Weapon J”, or “The Jellybean Failsafe”, and outfitted with microcircuitry allowing for one single jaunt backwards in the time stream. His warning may be our only chance to avoid this genocide. As our saviour is cared for comfortably within a government safe house drawing up horoscope charts, we must only hope and pray that our leaders act fast – before the last thing we hear is : “Humanity. Out.”