It’s been a long, hard battle, and Donald Trump Junior put up a fight worthy of the operator of a carnival tilt-a-whirl. Sadly, however, despite repeated delivery of CDB infused gummies from close friend and sponsor Rudy Guliani and weeks of pep talks from celebrity sympathizer Charlie Sheen, the Presidential son and guy willing to shove anything up his ass in your college frat conceded his landslide loss to a sizeable bag of cocaine this morning.
Announcing the defeat from inside the roadside sewage runoff pipe where he had just awakened, the long-troubled author of best-selling Dollar Store book “Triggered” gave a heart-wrenching apology to his friends, family, and a nearby half-egg salad sandwich, which he later had for breakfast.
“In every war, there is a winner and a loser. And like my father before me, I find that I must live as the latter while desperately pretending to be the former. The cocaine was too much for me, and I blame my upbringing. Can anyone doubt that? When your dad walks around naked with an adderall sack strapped to his face and makes you sleep in the refrigerator, there are bound to be repercussions. Oh, you know, I guess you can kind of tie in a war. Like in that Star War movie. The black robot man still lived after they blew up his planet ball. I wish they’d tell you what happened next.”
Trump Jr. will gradually remove himself from the public eye and concentrate on activist work, like his project to overturn statewide drinking straw bans, for obvious reasons. We can only hope he finds success should Hollywood come looking for someone to reboot “Less Than Zero.”