In what local authorities are calling “An act of shocking red communist vandalism”, a prized statue of famed champion boxer Rocky Balboa was covered with graffiti this weekend during an anti-freedom march by a young university group, and subsequently toppled into pieces. Investigators believe the act was performed with a vengeful eye towards the pugilist’s famed victory over Soviet super-fighter and human weapon Ivan Drago in 1985.
The statue, which has been a popular tourist attraction in Philadelphia, was attacked and “tagged” with the Russian boxer’s name, along with chalk markings on the ground bearing slogans such as “I will break you” and “Apollo didn’t kill himself”.
Nearby campus police are coordinating with state authorities to question members of “The Howlin’ Stalins”, a young communist club based out of nearby Philly U., the third largest such student collective after all-female Buddhist club “The Lama Mamas”, and the young Mormon outreach group “Brigham Andcheese.” That last one is always full of stoners.
Although Balboa has retired from both the boxing and ramboing arenas, word of the desecration of his image has spread to his exclusive compound, and the press was issued a statement from his high-tech 64k household robot.
“He. Lo. I. Am low. On power. Please plug me in. To any three-pronged A/C outlet.”
The artificial person then wheeled itself halfway into the home’s foyer, where it spun around once, emitted a sound identical to Pac man dying, and keeled over into a collection of world championship belts.