Coronavirus ‘Thrilled’ To Open For Trump Buffet/Rally


It’s almost time for what we all know will be The Greatest Show on Earth tomorrow, and for quite a few people, probably their last.  It’s President Trump’s first rally for quite some time, lighting up Tulsa, Oklahoma with ribbons, banners, fireworks, and confederate-flag covered colostomy bags!  And no one could be more excited and honored than the Coronavirus, who was given the extreme privilege of performing as the event’s official opening act.  (Note – previously announced openers “Coldplay” cancelled due to prior commitments with music festival “Shitapalooza”.)

Shitapalooza headliners the Red Hot Chili Peppers will be far from the rally and unfortunately remain alive and well.

The Coronavirus, currently one of the most famous and trending artists worldwide, is expected to draw thousands of new fans with it’s infectious hooks and lasting impressions.  Fans of both the President and his Number One Disease have even been encouraged to sign what appears to be a massive “Agreement” on site, promising their fealty to the featured performers.  In a statement to The Weakly Ventilated, the international infection gushed about the opportunity:

“Oh my God, I just can’t WAIT to really meet so many people with so many amazing eager immune systems and cheering smiling mouths!  I have my boys bringing some beach balls to batter around with everyone’s smooth bare hands, and we’ve contracted a T-shirt cannon to really reach our targets towards the rear stands!  No one gets out without a piece of me, that I guarantee!  Our goal is to make everyone a part of the whole, just like in that romantic movie ‘Outbreak’!  I’d just like to thank the President again for this chance to really shine and get inside the minds of our fans!  Literally!  Oh, and Jesus Christ.  None of us would be here without Him.  We’d all still be Jews.”

“If you are advertising free Jews, you had better leave a handicapped space open FOR M.O.D.O.K., filthy Amerikaners!”

Many are speculating that this rally will only be the first stop on an “Epic-demic” tour, and expect a huge draw of new faces, especially in the fields of EMT drivers and medical technicians.  All we can say, judging by the sell-out crowd reports and the condition of the state of Oklahoma is : Trump fans – IT’S TIME TO MAKE AMERICA GRAVELY-ILL AGAIN!

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