After the embarrassing photo-op for Vice President Mike Pence delivering empty boxes of personal protection equipment (PPE) to a nursing home, the Republican Party found that they needed to do something, anything to improve the motivation of health care workers.
As is standard with the party, practical solutions that immediately help a situation are out of the question, as these are known as ‘bootstraps’ situations. As such, no PPE was authorized for any medical staff.
They did come up with an alternative solution that even bleeding heart liberals could get behind. Free ferrets for all health care workers. Because who doesn’t like ferrets? They’re cute, cuddly, rascally, and don’t eat much. After a hard day of work, these great and essential people will get to come home to ferret snuggles.
Art Tubolls, of the Memphis Mudslinger, caught up with Nurse Kactis, who expressed her unbridled joy of getting a free ferret:
“I always wanted a ferret. This is way better than getting PPE so I don’t die from something I get on the job. I saw this video that said being happy makes the virus go away but they took the video down for some reason. I only wish I could have 2 or 3 more ferrets so they wouldn’t be lonely. They’re so cute!! I’m so happy! Trump 2020!!”
Art Tubolls is now currently under investigation for making up a quote about someone who probably doesn’t want a ferret and would rather have PPE. If Nurse Kactis doesn’t want her ferret, there are many others out there who would.