In North Carolina today, the Garden Gnome Models of America’s Southern States, led by their union president, Chris Barker, convened on a roadside in an effort to recruit more hopeful human gnomes. They were loud and they were boisterous as they tried relentlessly to convince passersby to join their “illustrious” club.
Clad in colorful gnome gear, they displayed their craft for all to see, proud as could be about their, as they called it, “gnomenclature.” Union boss and Grand Supergnome, Chris Barker, explained their purpose today:
“Gnoming is a generations old tradition here in the south. My daddy was a gnome. His daddy before him a gnome. And I’m proud to carry on the gnome tradition.
We don’t do much. Mostly we just act bitter and angry about stuff, as gnomes are apt to do. We snarl, we moan and complain. Gnomes are not the happiest of mythical creatures, you know. But they are a part of the European tradition that had been carried into America.
It’s when we model that we shine. That’s when you’ll see our pearly whites. Whether we’re standing still and looking mischievous or pretending to dig into a garden, we take our jobs quite seriously. Years of training go into gnomenclature and one look at the results of our work will show you why. The garden dwellers we help to create are top-notch.
Our numbers are dwindling though. The younger generation doesn’t think we’re ‘cool.’ Garden gnome models have become few and our small numbers can’t handle the demand. The industry wants new models and they want them now. There is a real future in gnoming for anyone who wants it.
If you can get past what some rudely call “clown costumes” and see the tradition behind them, we will take you under our wing to join our elite fold.”
Recruitment continues all week. See their website for details.