Jimmy Binderwicz, a Baggerville, Michigan resident, is delighted to meet his neighbors tomorrow afternoon. Or is that maybe : “meat” them? You see, Jimmy counts himself a member of a very exclusive American social minority known as “cannibals”. For the past few years, thanks to internet websites and time spent staring through the windows of various Curves Gym locations, the 42-year old Uber driver came to realize his unique appetite.
Now, seeing a golden opportunity after weeks of dining on cold cuts and area pets thanks to pandemic-mandated isolation, Binderwicz puts the finishing touches on a homemade “Free Haircuts and Styling” sign that he intends to welcome a group of protesters with, hoping the provacative lure will net him some much-needed protein.
“These folks aren’t exactly grade A prime,” he admits, buttoning up a barber’s shirt, “But I suppose they’re the best I’m gonna do without risking further exposure. I do have a mask and gloves that I used to use for washing my bone saw, and I’ve cleaned them with antibacterial soap. I mean, yes, I know the virus isn’t a bacteria, which right away, makes me smarter than President Trump. And his followers. But, you know, if the dumb animals are gonna parade around infecting themselves anyway, who am I not to take advantage of the dipshit buffet, per se? Before it really starts to spoil. Right?
Jimmy intends to be out and about around noon, so if you’re upset about your “rights” being “violated” in order to save you and everyone else’s lives, and you feel the need to spread yourself out, make sure you’re well-defined. Mr. Binderwicz likes a little spice in his life.