Hillary Clinton passed away today while working on her body. Traditionally a relatively slender woman, severe depression and anger issues following her loss of the presidency to Donald J Trump in 2016 had led to a rapid weight gain. As a result, Clinton had become morbidly obese and very difficult to look at.
But the past few months brought a change in attitude to Hillary Clinton. The impeachment and low polling numbers of President Trump had given her a new hope as she began to entertain the idea of reaching for the presidency once again.
But in order to do so, she would have to take off the pounds. “Americans don’t want a whale for a president,” she often said. “They don’t want to see themselves in the Oval Office.”
So she jogged. And used Jane Fonda workout tapes. And did Pilates. Yoga. Jazzercize. Bow-Flex. Tae Bo. P90X. Crossfit. Atkins. South Beach. Paleo. Keto.
Clinton had become obsessed with putting on muscle mass and was hitting the weights constantly, always adding more. It would be her undoing, as the following tale shows.
On a bench press using free weights, spotters are essential, especially when pushing your limits. Hillary didn’t see it that way. “I don’t need a babysitter! Spotters are for pu**ies!” she was heard to say.
So, on her own, she lay back and pushed, always seeking a personal best until one day she could push no more. Her lifeless body was found by gym staff with the bar holding 500 lb having crushed her chest. Her vanity had killed her.
She is survived by husband, Bill, and daughter, Chelsea.
RIP Hillary. Do they even lift in the afterlife? We hope so.