Hillary Clinton Dies In Tragic Waterslide Mishap

The truth is right in front of you

The world has lost a lifelong public servant, former First Lady, and former Secretary of State. No, not three different people. Just one. Hillary Fagina Rodham Clinton.

Clinton met her end today in Toledo, Ohio, where she went to visit with victims of this week’s tragic mass shooting. But rather then take part in the visit immediately, she chose to “step out and unwind with some slippery, slidey fun”, as her secret service detail put it. To do so, she paid a visit to the “Yippee Waterslide Park” for fun and frolic in the hot summer sun.

It was a couple of hours into her adventure when the unthinkable happened. For reasons as yet unknown, the curvature of the bottom of the slide she was on changed direction. Instead of depositing Hillary into the depths of the pool below, it shot her up into the sky at a high rate of speed, where she flew and flew until she eventually smacked into a flag pole, slid down , and died.

Witnesses describe her impact as “almost cartoonish” with both arms and both legs shooting straight forward while her body smushed against the pole. The feeling among all was that the sight would never leave their minds.

RIP Hillary. May your waterslide flight land you in heaven.