Hillary Clinton Run Down by Drunk-Driving Nancy Pelosi

Two tragic stories came together today that has liberal America utterly devastated. Hillary Clinton, who normally only dies on Saturdays, was run down and killed by a drunken Nancy Pelosi, who normally only drives drunk on Wednesdays.

The combination of strange events has, ultimately, put the Democrats in a state of crisis. The White House, eager to use the incident to crush their opponents, released a statement through the Office of Information and Propaganda:

“We are delighted to hear that Crooked Hillary is no more and that Nancy Pelosi will spend her life in jail because of it. Two of the biggest liars in politics have gone down thios day. Maybe now we can finally get to the bottom of Benghazi.”

Pelosi’s lawyer says it will be difficult to pin Clinton’s death on Nancy since nobody actually saw her driving:

“A ‘woman with a bob’ was spotted driving a car the speaker once borrowed from an aide. The video of her running the red light is inadmissable under federal law.’

Pelosi says whether she’s charged or not, she plans to step down so she can spend her remaining days enjoying her family and a stiff martini as God intended.

Good riddance, Nancy. At least one good thing.

About Flagg Eagleton 24 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.