Incel Lives Matter Protests Victoria’s Secret Outlet


The Victoria’s Secret outlet store in the Cayouga Mall in West Blumpkinville, Kansas, was the site of a massive one-person protest this weekend as the President and sole member of activist group Incel Lives Matter, Clete Torres, stood firm outside of the street entrance, giving a public face to the plight of the American Incel movement.

The movie “The Last American Virgin” is to incels what “Inglorious Basterds” is to Jews.

Torres, like other victims of non-layability claims that he is an Incel, or “Involuntarily Celibate”, a term growing in popularity for single men who are unable to procure a bit of the nookie, and excuse the situation by pretending that their blue balledness is purposeful.  The Incel movement is also known for it’s love of disgraced President Trump, employment majorities in the comic book store industry, and support of clothing outlets such as Burlington Coat Factory and Marshalls.

Torres claims that stores like Victoria’s Secret encourage the unattainable sexualization of women, and also employ “cute chicks” that would never give men like him a second glace.  The outlet involved in the protest specifically features Heather Grossbaum, who, according to the Incel, was in his Bio class in 10th grade, but now can’t remember his name and is probably a lesbian or something anyway.

“It’s like she totally forgot how I gave her one of my envelopes that day in class when she didn’t have one for her dirty dissection scalpel,” the disaffected man seethed.  “Probably saved her passing that class right there.  But of course, I got nothing for it.  Nothing.  One time I saw her at the gas station on 5th across from the place that sells my Magic : The Gathering cards, and I was just about to ask her out and totally get some, but she was with Kenny Gishowicz, that jock asshole from my gym class.  I didn’t want to get involved after Kenny cornered me in the locker room that one time and drew eyes on my balls with magic marker.  I told on him, and he got detention, so that’s what you get.  So anyway, I just kinda ducked down behind a plant.  Heather really missed an opportunity that day.”

This condom has sat in the credit card slot of the incel’s wallet since his first Limp Bizkit concert.

Torres spent nearly seven hours practicing his brave brand of social protest until the mall neared closing time, and store managers asked Orange Julius operator Jimmy Snootchberg to : “Run that weird nerd guy the fuck away from the gate so we can go to Andy Clemer’s party.”  Torres, of course, was not invited.

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