Jabronis Are Upset with Social Distancing

The truth is right in front of you

As the epidemic in America rages on, fuckbois all across America are starting to get restless and angry, punching more walls and speeding down local streets so much that it’s starting to be concerning. Nobody is talking about how this is affecting the hookup culture and the effect that it’s having on these man-boys, until now.

Places like New Jersey are the hardest hit, along with medium-sized cities all over the country where the bros live, especially in places like Suphur Springs, TX and Buford, GA, where the bros try to flash credentials from bigger cities like Dallas and Atlanta.

Before the crisis hit, bros of all ages had the world at their fingertips. They could trick young women into thinking they were really something with barely put together cars and “fancy” dinners at establishments such as Applebee’s, or when they really needed to double down on the douchery, Olive Garden. But now, they’re all closed and these boys have to rely on personality, something they have never really had.

We spoke to a Bro recently for this story, and he relayed his sad tale of woe to us. Joe Barron, a long time Bro, was sitting next to his stanced Honda Prelude, with loud bass rattling the car and knocking the cheap paint job off, was visibly perturbed.

“Before, I could just trick a girl into sleeping with me, she thought I was cool because of my car and taking her to Cracker Barrel with money I asked my mom for, now, I have to actually talk to them and it turns out, duuude, they don’t actually like me.”

For so long these guys depended on their looks and somewhat flashy cars to get them by and scam girls into spending the night with them and even paying their cell phone bills. Turns out that Call of Duty isn’t a great career choice. But now, social distancing forces them to have long conversations on the phone or through text and as it turns out, these guys are turds and they know it.

No longer will a simple dick pic and “How ya doin’, baby” will suffice. They’re literally being forced to try and act like decent human beings, and they’re failing miserably. Sandy Batt, a hottie from the block concurs. “We’re actually seeing what these nitwits are about, and they’re pretty much trash, this whole thing has exposed these jokers!”  She was surprised to learn that Olive Garden sucks and that not every guy is a megadouche.   

When we get back to normal, the fuckboi culture may be dead. And good riddance.