Fat Caucasian Man Ejected From S.O.T.U. Speech for Openly Masturbating

YIKES!

Impeached President Donald Trump gave his annual State of the Union address Tuesday evening, and just like anyone might expect, controversy erupted.  Barely 20 minutes into the speech, a corpulent elderly millionaire heard mention of the term “the one percent”, followed by a collection of inaccurate statements meant to stimulate a base of retirees and nursing home residents, and began furiously masturbating openly in the chamber.

A security search also uncovered “Scrooge McDuck” pornography hidden on his person.

The Porky Porpoise-Polisher was identified as Oberton Hemmingsworth III, a major contributor to the Trump campaign.  Hemmingsworth is a businessman who is well known for making his fortune by investing in companies that add Mercury to the water supply, test perfume in the eyes of American infants, and cripple meerkats to sell tiny wheelchairs.  Unsurprisingly, the Rotund Rockefeller of Rubbing is also the president of the world-wide Red Hot Chili Peppers fan club.

In an interview with Capitol Police officer Joseph Barron, details became clear that Hemmingsworth may have overstimulated himself by fantasizing that Trump was talking to him directly :

“We identified a code 1435 immediately on our CCTV cameras at approximately 1830 hours, indicating that an audience member had disrobed and was manipulating his genitalia in full view of the public.  We responded within twenty seconds and escorted Mr. Hemmingsworth from the chamber.  Preliminary interrogation indicated that the suspect had become aroused by hearing that the President had made him even more wealthy at the expense of the everyday American citizen, and became uncontrollably sexually voracious.  He was reprimanded to a private holding cell for the evening and has only requested a Fortune 500 magazine.”

The bulbous bone-beater went largely unnoticed as media focused on Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi dramatically tearing up a copy of the speech directly behind the President’s toupee.  More details will come after Fox News management finishes interviewing the sausage slapping senior for a possible talk show in the 9 P.M. slot after Hannity.

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