As the undisputed ruler of one of the only three remaining retailers open in the Como Mall in Buffalo, New York, self-appointed “Sorcerer Supreme, Master of the Realm, and Defender of the Infinity Gauntlet” Robert “Bobby” Cleminski made a bold and unprecedented move this morning, suddenly seizing territory formerly belonging to the Gap, and adding it to his kingdom of annexed property.
Recalling last week’s bloodless coup of Orange Julius, which gained the shopping center ruler countless boxes of drink mix and three life-saving slushy devices, Clemenski has proven to be the mall’s most powerful monarch since the epic evacuation of the food court a month ago, ridding the land of his most bitter adversary, Jimmy Pendleton, a 12th-grader left running the Quiznos near the remote-control Batmobile kiosk. Pendleton, in a defiant final move, locked up the sandwich shop securely, and keeps the keys in an undisclosed location somewhere in his bedroom with his weed.
Although the Gamestop, now the undisputed “Capitol” of the mall is still technically open for pick-ups of pre-ordered games, it regularly fends off tests of authority from Miko Kawasima of the Blue Entrance’s Dollar Store, and Kenny Bozeman, now calling himself “The Boss Man” from a hastily constructed bunker in the stockroom at Pottery Barn. Both realms have seen more than four customers this last weekend, putting pressure on the uneasy alliances within the multi-thousand dollar property.
Although mall security official Herbert Krump has been M.I.A. for days now, Clemenski insists the law officer “put him in charge”, despite any recording or witnesses to the claim. As the halls remain eerily silent of the Doctor Scholl’s footsteps of senior citizens getting their excersize and tensions mounting with an empty Victoria’s Secret facility sitting defenseless and ripe for the taking, many local observers fear that a reckoning may soon be coming. Hail to the king, baby.