Mexico has decided to go ahead and grant Trump his wish and fund the entire southern border wall. As an added bonus, the Mexican government is also offering its expatriates a hefty sum of cash to leave the US and head home. According to Arturo Tubolles, Minister of Trumpian Affairs, the move was a long time coming:
“Our people aren’t safe in that shithole. That’s just how it goes. We’re asking that all Mexicans return home and offering a $5K cash bonus to anyone who takes us up on it.
“We’re also going to pay to build a wall along the border. We won’t be sending money to the US to be squandered on political pork, however. We’ll be building our own wall on our side. Americans wishing to come here can hop the fence and present themselves to a border agent. We’ll see how it goes from there.”
The Mexican wall will be a mere 8-feet high, which critics say won’t be tall enough to keep them from crossing into the US. “8-feet is plenty to keep an American out,” explained Tubolles, “We’ve already proven that we can go the other way whenever we want.”
Trump says he doesn’t want some sub-par Mexican wall cluttering up his border and that he’ll just have the US military destroy it. At first, Mexico laughed, but then they watched as Trump gassed his own people for a photo op and decided to take the threat seriously. “We won’t be allowing any US troops into Mexico. They’ll have to break a whole bunch of treaties to come here. Let’s hope he’s not that dumb.”
The White House confirmed that yes, he is that dumb, and he still doesn’t understand that the US doesn’t own Mexico.
The Joint Chiefs were too busy resigning to comment.