Michael Cohen Beaten in Prison – Guards Saw ‘Nothing Unjustified’

The White House says it has launched a “full-scale investigation” into claims that a Trump supporter infiltrated the prison housing Michael Cohen, beating him within an inch of his life and leaving nearly undetected. A single flash on a single camera is all liberal Warden Ali al Allahura is holding onto as proof that the man exists at all.

The theory is that a Trump supporter, most likely a III%er or another esteemed militia member, used their special forces training to gain access to the minimum security prison in Jackson, Missouri. According to Cohen, two men dressed in black showed up–inside his cell. “I woke to them standing there,” he told EMT Cleetus Leefoot just before he passed out, “they put on those stupid red hats and just starting hitting me.”

So far nobody can corroborate the story, but it does sound like the work of some serious men on a serious mission to serve their president, right? Just think. In less than two years we might have to go back to not liking the government again.

Cohen was transported to St. Francis Memorial Hospital, where his condition remains classified. At the prison, the theory is that nothing actually happened and that Cohen banged his own face off the bars to protest the candied carrots they served with the salmon, calling them “far too sweet for anything involving fish.”

We contacted our people inside the northern Missouri militia and were able to confirm an op for the night in question, but no details. According to the source:

“We either sent a team to oversee and extract if necessary or we had a retirement party for Phil. We don’t have the right password to access last month’s logs, so we’re waiting on paper copies for verification.”

Until that happens, which is probably won’t, we’ll assume no arrests will be made and Cohen will find himself sitting in a padded cell from now on. That right there is how real Americans deal with a problem.

About Flagg Eagleton 24 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.