Pelosi Promotes Missy From Housewares to Impeachment Manager

With the upcoming impeachment process moving into it’s Senate trial phase, many have been outwardly wondering who Speaker of the House Pelosi would choose as the official Impeachment Manager.  Well, as of today, the wait is over.  Nancy has, after a long deliberation, chosen Missy from the Housewares department.  Missy will be immediately presented with an updated badge, a key to the rear delivery gate, and the managerial override code.

It’s definitely not “6969.” Kenny Queefitz tried that a year ago and we had to call corporate.

The choice has come with a few protests.  Harold from Automotive believes that his extensive knowledge of tire sizes and window-roller styles makes him a far better candidate.  Both Karens at the perfume and jewelry counter became so upset they had MaryAnne take over their Sunday shift.  By far the loudest critic has been Shirley from Toys :

“Missy is a whore.  I said it.  Everybody knows it.  Remember that party we had for Dave when he got out of the hospital from having that bubble taken out of his shoulder?  Yeah, Missy was all over Todd from Electronics, and they disappeared for like a half hour.  The guy works 2 days a week and sells weed in nursing homes.  He rides a bike.  You know what I do?  I’m here, day in and day out, half the time on a double because Shaquanda can’t get a babysitter.  Putting out the toys.  Talking to customers.  They all want baby Yodas.  There ain’t no baby Yoda toys yet!  I don’t know why!  I can’t wave my goddamn hands and make a baby Yoda!  I get things done!  She gets a promotion!  That figures.  You know, I don’t have to take this.  I don’t.  My cousin Earl is the assistant manager at Sizzler.”

It’s probably really gonna pick up there with the new Dollar Menu.

An alternative take came from Morton in Pet Food, who prefers the moniker : “MoMo”:

“I can see why Missy got it, y’all.  She does step up.  Remember that lady on Black Friday that tried to sled out the front door on top of a flatscreen?  Missy totally nailed her from the cashier stand with a five-dollar DVD copy of ‘The Last Starfighter’.  That’s how security stopped her.  That’s some good aim right there.  Good movie too.  They should re-make that one.  But not with the Rock.  He’s in everything.  Missy’s okay.  I think she’s about a C cup.”

Missy’s big moment will come at a Sunday press conference when Pelosi will introduce her to the nation.  It’s certainly a big responsibility to hold, so here’s to hoping her mom lets her keep borrowing the car during the weekdays.