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He took me to the artillery room—rifles, grenades, automatic weapons just everywhere. He told me how important his job was—something on the Hill, of course.

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Thankfully, the bartender was super nice and gave me a free drink. Like, I go out on dates with strangers from the internet—why does it feel sketchy to go out with someone who actually introduced himself? He worked for somebody on the Hill and was going to get us in to skip the line. I gave one myand he took me to Tabard Inn for brunch. And then a guy I used to be involved with sees me going and wants to know when he can come.

Then obviously we go and hook up.

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It kind of tastes like shit. She gave me a good 60 seconds of a chewing-out. I think we started officially dating exclusively on the day Min moved in. Then I met this other guy in Dupont Circle and we hit it off. He was telling me how Medicare should work this way, and I was like, no, Medicare should work this way. You get a lot of people who want to go on dates with you if you have a holiday party or some sort of work-related event.

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You thought that was a bad date? It felt like one of the more DC things to do: call a source and get information on this person you just met. One invited me to his run group, which was way more popular than I realized.

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I love Chuck. He was new, so there was a lot about DC he was really enamored with. I showed that hairball to so many people. I was pretty horrified. Fast-forward a year or two after we were already broken up and out of touch—he texted me again to say he quit his job at the White House. It was covered in my hair. He invited me to his run group, which turned out to be mine. I was pretty much arm candy the whole time. The attachment was a full spreheet with photos referencing stuff we talked about: hobbies I liked, these joking charts measuring our compatibility, and proposing activities for the next date.

I stopped going.

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But in the end, I think it was very sweet, but very DC. We would text all the time, like it was a thing. She just left.

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I need your Social Security and date of birth to get your clearance. He was totally the town gadfly. There was a long pause.

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I wish I had a picture of that hairball. There was one day when I was there with all three of them, and none of them knew who the other was. My date [a Wall Street Journal reporter] had to carry me up the stairs two or three times before we found out there was an elevator. He had white sheets and I have black hair, and I got up and I looked around the bed.

I made a joke about Chuck Grassley being bad at his job. It was a speed-dating event for professionals. This lawyer took me around the National Gallery and would tell me about, like, the painter and what the painting was about.

We saw each other a few more times, but he was always on his BlackBerry responding to these urgent issues related to immigration. I once put one in a coma. We went to Zaytinya, then afterwards we drove around in his truck. I think I was too embarrassed to reconnect with her at the end.

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I want to be clear about that. The night we decided to meet, we were both a little buzzed when we got to the date. It was like, Okay, he looked these up. We were hooking up, and he kept running his hands through my hair. He had recently moved to DC for a job at the State Department. He went to the bathroom.

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But it was great—we saw Obama speak, and the First Lady came out. All the decor clearly showed that his mom was very content with her job. He asked me what I did.

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It was really bad. I have to go. There was no second. Three months later, he texted me to let me know he was cleared. It was a little surreal. One day, he texted me saying he wanted to have coffee urgently. I actually ran into him once later at a house party in Georgetown.

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The takeaway: You should know which congressman or senator the person works for before shit-talking them on a first date. I refused to meet with him. It should have been a red flag. It looked like he had shaved my head. And that was how the conversation sparked. I would go to parties and the host would introduce me as the NPR person, and everyone would lose their minds and huddle around me.

I look forward to hearing back from you. We went to Cantina Marina. I was matched with someone who worked at PBS. I said I watched sometimes. The second time I go, I see another ex. And I shoved it in my purse. We were, like, deep in the weeds of payment policy, right? Just tell me. I was still fairly newish to the area. I was like, Okay, if you live there, you guys must have some money or some ties.

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She ended up staying ten days. We had an okay time. The ones he had run into at a party were Sebastian Gorka and Kellyanne Conway, and he was very excited to have seen them. He was giving me meaningful glances. We are of opposite parties—he did health-care policy, I did health-care policy. A lot of personalities and politicians would come by. It was, like, really shitty. So after we had been on four dates and only known each other maybe two weeks, she moved into this really small studio apartment in Foggy Bottom with me.

I was just like, I want to get my hair and go.

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That did not happen when I worked for the DC government. He did this for maybe ten minutes while we were making out in his bed, and it was kind of starting to hurt. I stuck it out because it was raining and I had taken my bike. No one else I know has ever been asked out on the Metro, period.

Dating in is weird. but dating in in tragically divided washington? yeah, weirder.

After I said no, I felt a little silly. He worked for some government agency and said he was very liberal. She asked if I ever donated to support it. I was like, Whoa, I completely forgot what a small place DC is. We had dated on and off for almost a year and had coffee every day at Compass Coffee by the White House, where he worked. So I just started grabbing it all up with my hands and made a hairball in my hands that was the size of a baseball, like a dense hairball. I had one guy try to take me on a date to see Billy Graham lying in state.

He shows up and proceeds to pick a fight about politics. But I never saw him again. It looked like the inside of a gift shop—almost every White House Christmas ornament is there. I had to introduce them all.

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