After taking the advice of aides to purchase a subscription to popular streaming service Netflix to keep the ever tantrum-prone Commander in Chief occupied, the Donald surprised media outlets the next day by issuing a series of official Presidential pardons.
First on the list of lucky exonerants was Joe Exotic, the quirky and borderline sociopathic star of the popular docuseries “Tiger King.” Just a few years into a 22-year sentence for animal abuse and murder-for-hire charges, Exotic will be released within the next seven days. Parole officers say the en-mulleted Oklahoma celebrity will concentrate on his music career, with plans to record a series of cover versions of tracks that were already cover versions by pop artist Sugar Ray.
Next, Trump ordered federal judges to pardon any and all crimes committed by the characters of the drama “Breaking Bad”, as well as constant SpongeBob SquarePants cumudgeon Squidward Tentacles. When the edict elicited confusion within the Justice Department, administration spokesperson John Guluv explained:
“The problem here is that the President, as sometimes happens,confuses characters from fiction and real life. I mean, it took us almost two years to convince him not to appoint John Wick to head up Homeland Security. We’re doing the best we can here. We’ll probably end up just telling him it’s been done, throw him a new bag of Adderall, and hand him a yo-yo or something. Usually works. It’s kind of like babysitting if the baby weighs 350 pounds and smells like expired turkey.”
Although insiders are feverishly trying to put the pardon crisis in check, the President pulled another surprise move, announcing to the Washington Post that he planned to transfer all of the female residents of Orange is the New Black’s Litchfield Correctional Institution to Guantanamo Bay, Cuba, and present both Green Arrow and the Flash with medals of honor.