Ailing Fred Durst Tests Negative for The Nookie


Rock star, icon, musical innovator, and Rhodes scholar.  None of these describe Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst, who has been worrying 24-hour Fitness personal trainers and alumni groups of Fraternities banned for hazing for weeks now, since the preening rapper/argument-against-tattoos revealed that he hadn’t been feeling up to speed recently.

Meanwhile, all members of Korn are, unfortunately, loaded with rickets.

Many have worried that Durst may have been infected with the Covid-19 virus, but after extensive testing at the Itchy Kitty Veteranarian’s Collective in Blumpkin, Michigan, doctors cleared the bulbous far-too-old skateboarder of it, along with finding no sign of encephalitis, mad cow, or much feared band affliction : “The Nookie.”  Durst was also advised to refrain from inserting “cookies” into his “Aaaaaaaaaassssss.”

Richard Gere declined to comment on the grounds it may incriminate him.

Many physicians have concluded that Durst may be a victim instead of “Matthewsia”, a malady named for artist Dave Mathews, where one becomes physically sapped due to the belief that he possesses more talent than he actually does.  A psychosomatic brain disorder, it ranks far below the Nookie in hospitalization rates.

The “singer” is expected to make a full recovery by Tuesday and should be able to appear on his popular podcast : “Brah Let’s F*ck Sh*t Up” to speak to both of his fans in New Jersey about his ordeal.  It’s just lucky America managed to hold onto her greatest example of how boy’s size 5 shorts and little white socks make anyone an instant douchebag.

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