Rock star, icon, musical innovator, and Rhodes scholar. None of these describe Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst, who has been worrying 24-hour Fitness personal trainers and alumni groups of Fraternities banned for hazing for weeks now, since the preening rapper/argument-against-tattoos revealed that he hadn’t been feeling up to speed recently.
Many have worried that Durst may have been infected with the Covid-19 virus, but after extensive testing at the Itchy Kitty Veteranarian’s Collective in Blumpkin, Michigan, doctors cleared the bulbous far-too-old skateboarder of it, along with finding no sign of encephalitis, mad cow, or much feared band affliction : “The Nookie.” Durst was also advised to refrain from inserting “cookies” into his “Aaaaaaaaaassssss.”
Many physicians have concluded that Durst may be a victim instead of “Matthewsia”, a malady named for artist Dave Mathews, where one becomes physically sapped due to the belief that he possesses more talent than he actually does. A psychosomatic brain disorder, it ranks far below the Nookie in hospitalization rates.
The “singer” is expected to make a full recovery by Tuesday and should be able to appear on his popular podcast : “Brah Let’s F*ck Sh*t Up” to speak to both of his fans in New Jersey about his ordeal. It’s just lucky America managed to hold onto her greatest example of how boy’s size 5 shorts and little white socks make anyone an instant douchebag.
