11 Arrested During Attempted Heist at Charmin Factory

DON'T MESS WITH JOHN Q. LAW!

Police and federal investigators cooperating in a joint task force operation yesterday, made a total of eleven arrests during an attempted grand theft plot at a Charmin toilet paper factory in Zhitsville, Arizona.  The factory had been well-known as virtually impossible to break into, having the newest high-tech security features.

Halliburton’s newest Sparky-1000 model is equipped with surface to air missiles, an acid cannon, and the most adorable little ear flip for when it hears the can opener at feeding time.

Alleged ringleaders of the plot, Daniel “Danny” Ocean, his estranged wife Tess, and “Rusty” Ryan, the latter a known felon associated with the celebrity lesbian outlaw couple known as “Thelma and Louise” and one-time terrorist organization “12 Monkeys” were taken into custody along with 8 other members of a hand-picked elite crew bent on hoarding an incredible amount of priceless bathroom tissue for their own use.  The bust was a result of a year-long sting operation involving the CIA, FBI, and informant Ethan Hunt, who provided insights on methods used by the world’s most notorious stealth experts.

Pictured here, Hunt attempting to re-acquire the net profits of “Minority Report” from the church of Scientology.

At an estimated dollar value of over $2000, the attempted crime would have been the largest robbery of ass paper in the history of American crime.   Luckily, all it took to foil a Clooney and a Damon was some swift justice.  And a bag of peanuts.  Damon is allergic to peanuts.

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