RNC Unveils ‘We’re Totally Gay For Trump!’ Platform

FINALLY!

The Republican National Convention is kicking off this week, and it’s going to be FAAAABBBULLLOUS!

After tons of research and realizing that the current Republican party has been reduced to a group of old white men circle jerking to episodes of “The Apprentice” on a daily basis, the party has decided to just COME RIGHT OUT and proudly admit that they are completely and totally GAY for TRUMP!

Mitch McConnell is already practicing for “Thirsty Thursday” by filling his mouth with Mountain Dew to simulate a terrible-tasting yellow liquid.

Senator Lindsey Graham, the GOP’s most obvious and colorful southern belle admits that this moment had been a fantasy seared into his memory harder than Mike Pence in a room full of naked firemen.

“Oh my STARS, this is going to be a Disneyland of Assmeat!”, the lawmaker beamed, excitedly whisking through racks of brightly colored boas and taffeta gowns.  “We’re going to have Erasure blasting and little drinks with the umbrellas and everything!  We covered a Volkswagon Jetta with Trump bumper stickers from the top of it’s adorable hood down to it’s sexy tires!  We bought these absolutely DELICIOUS peach curtains to go around the entire arena, and our first lady is handling the flowers so well.  She’s like a cute little Yakov Smirnov running around talking in her tiny sandpaper voice like Condi Rice leaving a carpet store!  Oh, HEAVENS this is going to be moist!  And it’s all for YOU, DONALD!  Oh, I can already SMELL the Vap-O-Rub on the Trumpy Bears!”

“Oh God. This is going to be like that Juggalo party at the Olive Garden all over again.”

The event, sponsored by Strawberrita and Ross Dress For Less stores, rolls out all this week, and will steam live on both the White House’s official site and web-portal Pornhub under the keyword: “TrumpBlumpkin”.  Let’s Make America Go Get Some, Girl!

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