Desperate Guliani Powers Up Genesis Device


After exhausting nearly every desperate legal procedure in an attempt to declare victory for his master Donald Trump in the bygone 2020 election, Ceti-Alpha Five resident and cousin enthusiast Rudy Guliani has finally announced his endgame from the Corinthian leather command seat of the science vessel USS Reliant.  The Genesis Device has been armed.

Outgoing VP Mike Pence is hastily upgrading the Sodom Device as a private side project.

“From Hell’s heart I spit at thee!”, Guliani commented during an interview with Newsmax journalist and disgraced former helmsman Harry Kim.  Guliani went on for several minutes in an unintelligible rant ending with the phrase “buried alive” repeated in a whisper that slowly faded into a dramatic queef.

The Genesis Device was constructed originally as a humanitarian machine, with the aim of digitally replacing the voice of Phil Collins in the music of the notable progressive rock band Genesis with the far more pleasing tone of whalesong.  In an unforseen side-effect, the device was weaponized when it was theorized that the stored Collins horror noise had the ability upon it’s release to end all life on a target planet.

“Alright everyone, let’s all get our asses in gear for phase 4!”

President elect Joe Biden has been made aware of the growing crisis, and plans to approach Guliani and his crew of Krakens from above, a weakness the diminutive lawyer suffers from due to having his Bubbles-From-Trailer-Park-Boys glasses glued to his face during a fraternity hazing.  Let’s hope Mr. Biden has his finger on a phaser just in case.

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