Sanitation Workers Find Body Of Hillary Clinton Awaiting Curbside Pick-Up

The truth is right in front of you

Sanitation workers in Salem, Oregon had quite a shock today while doing their rounds in the morning. Everything seemed to be normal until they came across what they thought was nothing more than an unusually large bag. Assuming it just to be normal trash, they hoisted it into the back of their truck and went on their merry way.

It wasn’t until several stops later, by which point the large bag had ripped open, that they discovered that what they had picked up was anything but normal. Still trash, some would say, but not normal trash, for found within was a body. The body of former first lady Hillary Rodham Clinton.

The workers were obviously shocked by what they saw, but they had a schedule to keep, so Hillary remained in the compactor. They intended to inform the authorities upon their return to the town dump but saw no urgency to do so….she was already dead after all, or she definitely was now anyway, even if she hadn’t been when they first picked her up. She had since been repeatedly compacted with the rest of the trash, so was now quite pulverized.

The medical examiner was unable to offer any cause of death since there wasn’t much intact body left by the time he was called 6 hours after coming across the deceased Hillary. They can’t even say it is definitively her until DNA results come back.

Police are calling Clinton’s death, if, indeed it is Clinton, “suspicious,” as it is “unlikely she stuffed herself in a bag, waited by the curb to be picked up, and allowed herself to be compacted.”

Detective Joe Barron did offer one alternative:

“I doubt it was suicide. Too complicated. But she has been quite despondent since losing the presidency, so we are not ruling out the possibility.”

A tragic end to a life in public service.

RIP Hillary. May you crawl from the trash compactor in the afterlife.