Satan laughed and Tiger wept. That will be the headline the New York Times will run with when word gets out that Tiger Woods sold his soul not once — but twice.
First, there was the Masters. Oh, how he wanted that jacket. From nowhere, Tiger Woods thrusts himself into the spotlight once again with a brilliant performance in a single tournament. Everyone swooned. A legend has returned. The attention and fanfare were enough for a thousand lifetimes, and possibly even worth the soul he paid for them.
Art Tubolls, Satan’s spokesperson on Earth, told us via email:
“Well…it’s not as easy as winning. We can make anyone a winner. Look at Tim Tebow. Kurt Warner. The 1986 Mets. Sometimes it’s as simple as destroying Bill Buckner’s life and sometimes you have to work for it.
In this case, we had to take what would otherwise just be a good weekend in a statistically average-at-best career for the past decade or more and turn it into the greatest achievement since that time we kept Roethlisberger out of jail.”
Satan’s shop, located in New Port Richey, Florida, keeps logs with the Pasco County Sheriff that show Woods legally transferring his soul to Baalzebub Trading and Loan LLC. There was no loan on file, which confused the Morning Star:
“I never told him I’d consider a trophy from his insignificant life, but when he texted me about the Medal of freedom, I had to at least have a look. I mean…I have Bill Cosby’s around here somewhere…
Anyway, This thing is made of some kind of cheap aluminum with a White House gift shop lanyard pinned to it. Trump signed the back of it, making it more worthless than it already was. I can’t do anything with garbage like that. I’m running a business here.”
Baalzebub wouldn’t comment on the future of Woods and his golf game, but he did assure us that he wouldn’t be claiming any titles with his “Trumpster Trinket.”