Scientists Warn Conservatives: COVID 19 May Result in Unwanted Empathy and Compassion

A study focusing on the long-term effects of the COVID 19 pandemic has found some disturbing news for conservative Americans. According to news reports, Facebook posts, and emotional Tweets, getting the virus yourself or losing someone you love can result in unwanted empathy and compassion for others.

Conservatives, particularly Tea Partiers and Trump supporters, have taken extreme measures over the years to care about nobody but themselves, all in the name of freedom. Unfortunately, the coronavirus we’re currently dealing with as a society can ruin all of that hard work in just a few days. Scientificator Art Tubolls explains:

“Imagine you’ve spent extreme amounts of time and energy over the past decade or so training yourself to only care for you and yours. You’ve taken the stance that people on public assistance are just lazy freeloaders who cost you money. The homeless are a drag on society, and they probably cost you money. Refugees and immigrants with brown skin should just stay where they are and make their own countries better, because they, too, might just cost you money. Minorities wouldn’t get shot by police so often if they just followed all the rules. That one doesn’t cost anything, but it’s an easy one to get behind if you enjoy hating things.

“Now along comes this terrible pandemic. It’s the perfect vehicle to test their resolve. They get to deny that science exists, as usual. But this time, they can be extra angry, because they can’t get a decent hoagie unless they get it delivered and they have to yank the Flobee out of that 1991 box in the basement for a haircut. They head out to a ‘Freedom Rally,’ and stand side-by-side with other angry protesters, seeking to extend their record of hating everything and screaming about their rights through yet another issue.

“Then it happens. They get sick. People around them get sick. In worst-case scenarios, someone dies. Someone they cared about.

“That’s when the coronavirus really shows how dangerous it can be. In an instant, the hate, fear, and ignorance they’ve worked so hard to maintain are replaced with empathy. They flood social media with things like ‘I was wrong, and now I’m paying for it.’ Sure, the empathy is kick-started by their own world being rocked, but it gets triggered nonetheless. Empathy turns to compassion. Before you know it, that hateful conservative is telling people to just stay home and listen to science, because as it turns out, it’s an actual thing and not just some liberal conspiravy to take down the president by destroying the economy.”

These are dangerous times for the conservative movement in America. But…there’s still hope. Scientists have determined that because the only deaths that matter to these people are the ones that affect them directly, there may not be enough dismay to disrupt the flow of ignorance as a whole. If you consider that true Kool-Aid conservatives number about 30 million, you have a starting point for a control group.

If 30 million is about 10 percent of the country and we experience 100K deaths, only 10K of them will affect a conservative directly. That might be enough to turn some into decent people, but overall, chances are they’ll still come out of this thing the douchebags they’ve always been.



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About Flagg Eagleton-Patriot 32 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.