The remaining Democratic candidates have collectively decided that they want no fucking part of the cleanup bullshit that stupid orange douchenozzle will leave behind. All of the camps came together, donated what was left of their funds to Planned Parenthood, said a prayer for America, and went home.
We caught up with Bernie Sanders who told us the decision had been coming for a while, but that he was holding out for a miracle anyway:
“72 percent of the 40 percent of people who make less money than me want a revolution, but it won’t happen today. No sir. Have you seen the shit he’s gotten us into?
“We want things like healthcare for all, so we can be the 33rd out of the 33 developed nations to adopt it. We’d like to cancel student debt so the Millennials who went to art school for half a mill can keep drinking their latte’s without being lectured on how they add up to a house somehow. Maybe a little bit of infrastructure spending on things like roads, bridges, and schools rather than 26 floating cities in the ocean at 10 billion a year each.
“How in the hell are we supposed to do any of that with this clown’s mess? Whoever gets elected in 2020 is a damned fool.”
Bernie says he looks forward to continue caucusing with the Democrats as an Independent and hasn’t ruled out Presidential runs in 2024, 28, and 32.
Pete Buttigieg says there’s…just no way:
“Have you been to South Bend? Seriously. I’d look awfully pretty taking the blame every dumbass Trumpster would bestow on me for the mess he made, but I’m just not qualified to do this shit. I mean…war with Iran? Somebody needs to pull a 24 and see if Jimmy Carter won’t step in and advise whatever moron takes that fucking job.”
We tried to talk to Elizabeth Warren, who looked over the top of her glasses, laughed, and went to find a good burrito. We did get a statement from her office:
We regret to inform the American public that we’re fucked. These idiots will believe anything. Last night at a rally in Michigan, Donald Trump pulled a hamster from his own ass and threw it into the crowd. Then he said he wouldn’t go on until it came back dead, but nobody could find the fucking thing. As it turns out, some meatpipe in a red hat caught it and figured if it was good enough for Trump’s ass, it was good enough for his.
Since they couldn’t get the little guy out — not for a lack of trying — they beat the guy to death and tossed him at the podium. Trump laughed, rambled on about toasters being too complicated for women these days and talked about how a lot of people ask him what he’s going to do about the trend of reusable bags at grocery stores. You don’t even want to know his answer.
Anyway, we’re just screwed. This turd is probably gonna win anyway, and Senator Warren wants nothing to do with his aftermath. She hasn’t ruled out a run in 2024 if someone pulls an Obama and at least looks respectable doing the job for four years first.
Nobody cared what Tulsi Gabbard had to say.
The DNC says it’s putting all of its emphasis on taking the Senate, which will put Chuck Schumer in Mitch McConnell’s useless shoes making sure nothing gets done at all.
God bless America.