Sharpie Unveils New Easy to Use ‘Presidential Collection’

President Trump exempted Sharpies from the Emoluments Clause today after the huge announcement that the company will make the exclusive pens for the administration, the Trump campaign, and the DC area gift shops. Sharpie says the idea started as a joke but the president latched on and made sure it happened. According to Sharpie CEO, Art Tubolls:

“He just kinda…told us to. Said we wouldn’t lose a dime and gave us a guarantee from Deutch Bank for a building in Chelsea from 1997. We’re considering filing a lawsuit, but…against who? He’s exempted himself from anything our lawyers said they’d be able to get him on.”

Trump has again outsmarted the libs. Sharpie’s new Presidential Collection will consist of four pens:

The Autographer

Built for speed on the move, The Autographer offers people with incoherent chicken scratch for a signature the ability to look professional — even if the end result is a bit childish. Look respectable and sign virtually anything with this chisel-tipped favorite of presidents. Comes complete with licorice scent and an extra bag of caps for forgetful people who tend to lose things after long days of ignoring the will of the people.

The Mueller Report

Extra wide flat strokes of pure black redaction is guaranteed with this high-capacity masterpiece. Tested by Attorney General Barr himself on more than 400 pages of unread glory. An aide to AG Barr is said to have heard him say:

“That Sharpie made this whole thing possible. I was just crossing stuff out at random and before I knew it…it was over. I brought four of them, sure that I would need them all. I used just one.”

The Mueller report is for you whether you’re blacking out numbers on your cell bill before your wife sees them or obstructing justice and starting a constitutional crisis. Either way, you’re guaranteed not to run out of essential ink when redacting with your Mueller Report by Sharpie.

Mini-Treason Disposables

These tiny treats are perfect for staff meetings and security briefings. You can quickly cross things out on the fly, destroy evidence with ease and doodle on important documents without anyone ever noticing what you’re doing. Designed as a one-time-use marker, the Russian hooker pea-scented ink activates when it’s removed from the cap and disappears without a trace. Only you and Vladimir Putin will know your deepest darkest secrets and as we all know, as long as you put out — he won’t tell.

The Fundraiser

Here we have the simple Sharpie with Donald Trump’s signature on it. The profits from the sale of these markers, which will be found everywhere from the White House gift shop to the Trump International official merch store, will not go to the President directly. They will instead go to his campaign where it can be legally diverted wherever he wants since he’s proven to be immune from laws.

Buy them for Charity

She’d really like that Mueller Report one. Trump thought it was hilarious. He’s not really good with irony.

About Flagg Eagleton 15 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.