Tragedy struck in Queefsborough county, Michigan, this morning as a 56-year old firearm and fishing supply retailer suffered a violent explosive decapitation upon trying to figure out if he should open his business to freedomfy his freedoms, or close it in observation of our brave soldiers’ sacrifices on Memorial Day, May 25th.
Patriot and resident John Guluv was so torn by the terrible decision, doctors contend, that pressure eventually sent electrical impulses through the entirety of his undersized brain until it became unstable and exploded outwards like Val Kilmer’s waistline. Professor of Medicine at Trump University, Justin Hermouf, explains.
“We’ve seen this type of thing before amongst mostly southern people. Faced with a nearly impossible decision between two equally hypocritical options, the system more or less self-destructs. Think of a tiny Captain Kirk inside the cranium protecting the Genesis device from an equally tiny Khan. Not the Benedict Cumberbatch one. Hey, if literally it was part of Khan’s back story that he was Native American, how come a pasty white Engishman got the role? That ain’t right at all. Wanker.”
Guluv is survived by his wife Karen, and their three children, Ronald, Wilson, and Reagan. Services will be held at the Waffle House off of I-75 at 2 p.m. on May 16th. Oh shit, wait, that’s Armed Forces DAY. Here we go again.