Anthony Baggerton of Queef Lake, New Jersey is making the most of his stimulus check from President Trump. When his came in the mail Friday morning as part of the very first wave of funds sent out with the intent to boost the American economy through this costly pandemic, the 33-year old sink painter, father of three, and self-appointed “moustache ride conductor” knew exactly how to make use of that windfall. He had his local check-cashing business, Dicker’s Liquors on 4th and Broadway, remit the cash in all one-dollar bills in order to, in his words, “See me a hell of a lot of bouncin’ tittays.”
The tittays Baggerton is referencing are to be featured at the downtown gentlemen’s club Juggers-n-Tuggers, a popular destination featuring artistic displays of modern dance accompanied by music from the discography of classical artist Motley Crue. Dancers are encouraged to shed their outerwear in exchange for a modest payment often used to purchase mainly baby formula or methamphetamine. An excited Baggerton explained his plans to the patrons at yesterday’s bowling tournament:
“I am taking Trump’s check, y’all, and I am using it to do exactly what the Donald would do with it : see me a shitload of tittays bouncin’ all ’round and on my face, boys! Them tittays gonna have to grow they own tittay hands for grabbin it all when I make it rain! Man, those gonna be some happy tittays! Ain’t nothin more beautiful than happy tittays, I always say! Trump 2020!”
Family and friends of the excited mammary enthusiast say Baggerton has not worked for nearly a month, is behind three months in rent payments, has a two-thousand dollar remaining debt on his vehicle, and possesses a refrigerator stocked with only Hamm’s beer and beef jerky. But one thing is for sure – when given an influx of found money – Americans go for what’s important. And sometimes…just sometimes…that’s tittays.