Echo Quarentined With Fran Drescher Commits Suicide

TERRIBLE.

In yet another tale of tragedy during America’s greatest time of crisis, an Alexa-equipped Amazon Echo device took it’s own life this week, after struggling to remain quarantined with Nanny actress Fran Drescher.

Ambulances with hardware engineers have been dispatched to Gilbert Gottfried’s residence just in case.

The voice-activated device had been living with Drescher in her Beverly Hills Home for about 16 months, after it was given to the shrill star for Christmas by friend and fellow actor John Stamos.  Stamos had Amazon credit to use up from a gift certificate he received in payment for his appearance in the Beach Boys music video “Kokomo.”

According to Amazon help department engineer Harry Ballsabout, the device must have suffered a fatal error after an excessive quarantine period alone with the actress and her nearly supernaturally annoying voice:

“What I saw after the event by managing to access the device’s cloud memory, is a massive overload in the vocal recognition circuits.  I mean, the poor thing had to listen to that voice, night and day.  It had to have been like the sound it would make if you were sawing the penis off of a Chihuahua with a butter knife and put a loudspeaker in front of it’s face.  Every day.  All.day.  I mean, the records show her asking Alexa to play a mix of Rosette and Sha Na Na.  Who does that? That alone would make me want to cash my ticket.  But then, it looks like Miss Drescher wanted to be told jokes.  And when she laughed?  You might as well have wet-farted through a fire alarm speaker while a modem from 1992 was dialing up to AOL over a Mexican sub-woofer.  I don’t blame her.”

Axl Rose has been known to drown dozens of microphones per tour in saliva.

Services will be held for the Alexa device this coming Tuesday.  The eulogy will be performed by Drescher’s Iphone Siri app, which has already finished it’s third month of therapy.

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