May 6th has come and gone, and as we all know, there’s a reason it’s become known as “The Night of a Thousand Infections”. This year’s biggest and most contagious celebration, the 26th Annual Virus Awards, or “The Buggies”, lit up Hollywood and television screens for a little more than 2 hours last night, featuring a who’s who of stars, a captive audience, and a host of microorganisms dressed to the nines in their most sanitizer-resistant outer cell membranes.
Host of the program, Motley Crue drummer Tommy Lee started the show off with a series of jokes lightly mocking the year’s frontrunner, the Covid19 coronovirus. “I see Pee Wee Herman is here”, the entertainer quipped, referring to actor Paul Ruebens. “We all know he’s safe because he always keeps his hands down his pants.” Lee also joked that the Cleveland Browns football team would be the first ready to play, since : “They haven’t managed to catch anything since 1997.”
Lee was followed by presenter Kid Rock, who performed a short cover version of Robert Palmer’s “Bad Case of Lovin’ You” before handing out the awards for Most Colorful Rash (Herpes Simplex 2), and Funniest Inflammation (Testicular Encephalitis). There was also an emotional moment when Smallpox received a posthumous Lifetime Achievement Award after having been eradicated since the late 70’s.
But it was this year’s big star, Covid 19 that took the top honors, regaling the audience with a short speech of appreciation :
“Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening. I mean, I’m not even a year old, and here I am. Thank you all so much. The Chinese government who never want to be seen to admit weakness, the quarentine protesters who are really giving me a second chance and the boost I really need. Of course, our Lord and savior Jesus Christ, we wouldn’t be here without Him. And a huge shout out to my bro Donald Trump for having so much patience with me while I was getting started. God bless you sir! Let’s you and me hit Disneyland!”
All in all, the show’s ratings were considerable this year, due mainly to many Americans staying within the confines of their homes. It was a night to remember. Except if you’re the President of the United States. If you were, you’d probably have been watching cartoons instead.