It’s a classic American urban legend. Something fell from the sky and landed in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947. The government says it was a weather balloon. But thousands of bright-eyed bored housewives and unemployed welders believe otherwise.
Did an alien spacecraft penetrate the Earth’s atmosphere like a snow-suited penis in a Palin daughter? The consensus is murky. But thanks to lawyer, amateur detective, and professional Ferengi bartender Rudy Guliani, we may have a new host of clues that shed light on some of the mystery.
After his recent victory in locating controversial vice presidential son Hunter Biden’s abandoned laptop computer in an obscure repair shop during a tour of American businesses run by diabetic serial-killer suspects, the vampiric vagabond shifted his bulbous gaze to Roswell, and was given unprecedented access to a secret government vault, thanks to his close association with President Trump and a small golden key presented to him at a White House party celebrating the first lady’s twentieth skin sanding. What did he find?
“I was shocked is what I was,” Guliani told Kanker Soure of Washington’s Eye On Balls. “It was what I believe is called a ‘retainer’ by some liberal dental socialists you might find driving Volovos and eating Impossible Whoppers. It had a sticker on it, right on it, with Hunter Biden’s name. That’s when I figured it out. The Bidens came from another world, an alien world, and have come to conquer. I believe they use cocaine to power their vehicles and are using powerful chemtrail guns to create gays to distract us. Talented gays like Neil Patrick Harris and Ryan Seacrest. And that one from Big Bang Theory. It’s diabolical.”
Guliani ended the interview by laughing maniacally and de-blooding a nearby squirrel for sustinence. He tentatively added : “We need to act before a Biden makes America just like their home planet. Which is probably called ‘Venezuela-Centauri.'”