Trump Issues $14 Billion in McDonalds Gift Cards to Hungry Farmers and Auto Workers

President Trump is making the lives of American farmers much easier. The President just wrote, approved, and signed a law that gives every farmer crushed by his ridiculous policies, futile trade wars, and horrible negotiating skills a meal every day for the foreseeable future.

McDonalds, the number one eatery of the American farmer, has offered to sell the Administration gift cards that farmers will be able to redeem for one plain hamburger and a cup of water per day while they’re starving. “It’s a solid plan,” says the White House:

“McDonalds has given us the cards at 90 percent of face value so we could siphon the rest off for the campaign, so it’s a double win. Plus, the farmers will most likely want to upgrade and get a salad or something, which will cost them a little but be well worth it. God knows they haven’t seen any green in a while. This should do great things for a great company, a great campaign, and some great folks out there who still support Trump even after he upended their lives and destroyed their futures.”

Trump tried opening the plan to coal miners but couldn’t find any. Auto workers sent letters asking for assistance, but acknowledging the problem there wouldn’t be good for his public image, so they were deemed expendable and ultimately denied, though the administration says they’re welcome to the free water if they bring their own cup.

Trump celebrated the move after seeing pictures of a happy farmer and his kids eating a hamburger peacefully in concert with the dread in their lives. “Watching them enjoy the clean water we’ve provided,” said Trump, “to me, that’s more of a win than the good work we’ve done in Flint. The Democrats just want to talk about collusion. Oh collusion!Nope. There was no collusion here. And no Flint. We’re very proud of our work.”

The president celebrated with a Big Mac and a strawberry Oreo McFlurry. Because that’s how he rolls.

About Flagg Eagleton 21 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.