It’s been a tough week on the second amendment in Virginia, with Governor Ralph Northam imposing crippling gun regulations that would limit the ability of part-time personal trainers at 24-hour Fitness locations to purchase only one deliciously silver dildo with a trigger per month. But along with such an awful violation of the masturbatory fantasies of hayseeds who married the first woman who gave them a handy in tenth grade, there came a beacon of hope : A protest in the streets, the likes of which only seen before by anyone who’s seen a homosexual porn movie about Dairy Queens having a day where they give out free sundaes served out of holes in the floor. But that was just the beginning of the outrage.
Among the patriotic rebels, a hero has emerged to rally the troops. Wearing camo gear he bought from Ross discount racks, and creating video after video for social media featuring rants about women calling him “Pudgycreep” and hour-long sessions of how “Red Dawn” changed his life, Virginia militia leader “Jimmy Infidel” has energized the pro-gun movement with a viral lisping promise. That Governor Northam can go right ahead and “Eat his thit” :
“Ith pretty thimple, people. Virginia’s puthy Governor can eat my thit if he thinkth I’d ever lay down my armth. Ith thith camera working? Look, I’m…I’m thick. Thick of all the people who made fun of me in high thcool becauth I thit my panth in gym clath. It’s all bullthit. Now, I’m doing thith for America, becauth my milithia hath all the kidth that thit their panth, and we have no more thits to give. Virginia, you’re on notith. Jutht like Thylvethter Thallone thaid in ‘Cobra’ – ‘You’re the ditheathe. And I’m the cure. Thtay frothty.”
“Jimmy Infidel” was later revealed to be a 45-year old former employee of a local Waffle House restaurant named Orville McCavity, who had been fired last May for attempting to impregnate a syrup bottle, and has been living on disability benefits ever since, for R.H.W.D., a psychological disorder where one obsessively inserts toy Hot Wheels cars into the anal cavity. Godthpeed, patriot. Godthpeed.