During Riot, Pence Rushed to Secure Linen Closet


As riots over the blue-on-black murder of George Floyd in Minneapolis spilled over to Washington D.C. this weekend, Secret Service operatives feared for the safety of the Executive branch authorities, rushing *President Trump to a secure underground bunker for security.  Likewise, Vice President and self-flagellating Opus-Dei monk from the DaVinci Code film Mike Pence was quickly and unceremoniously stuffed into an east wing linen closet, where he still remains at this time.

White House officials assure the public that all towels remain Downy fresh on the floor in Sarah Huckabee’s old room.

Pence was surrounded at 7:30 p.m. by his personal security guards, each of whom have years of experience protecting local malls and downtown area pornography theaters.  The linen closet was cleared of white house washcloths and bulk paper towels to make room for the second-in-chief, who’s secret service codename is “Q-Tip Jesus”, and is often mistaken in hallways for actress Betty White.

In contrast, White is often stopped in the street and asked to hypnotize gay people out of being gay.

Pence will remain sheltered in place for an indeterminate amount of time, subject to order of the *President, who has commented in private that he believes a proper release date would lie at some time in late September : “Since I really won’t need him again until it’s time to use his credit card to renew my Hulu subscription.”  Pence is reportedly in critical to good health within the location, and is subsisting on microwave burritos and Cup-o-Noodles meals provided to him daily through a hole in the door, and exercises toilet and personal functions with water-filled discarded Trump Wine bottles.


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