Trump Deems Bankruptcy Attorneys Essential Businesses

President Trump has ordered certain businesses to be deemed “essential” by state governments. Among them — Bankruptcy Attorneys. In a speech given to BOWCSUAFL, aka Business Owners Who Could Screw Up A Free Lunch, Trump praised the legal profession and promised to make sure they were available to those who need them:

“Some of my best friends are attorneys. Great people. Hard-working people. Worth every penny. Did you know that for every dollar you spend on an attorney you save $5 on fines and settlements? They do the work that the people want. And we want the work. We need the work. Without workers, well…you see how well it works. Not like in China. They start viruses and we go to work. Our workers are still working and we need to get the lawyers working too.

“Most importantly, the great and noble bankruptcy attorney. Many, many, many great businesses will need to hide their stimulus money and tax breaks during this time of crisis. many people who started with nothing but small million dollar loans will need to reorganize so their lazy employees don’t keep taking their futures. Our workers work so greatly because they know they’ll still have jobs and when they don’t we have to make sure their bosses, it’s good to be a boss. I’ve been a boss most of my life. You’ve probably seen the show. Most bosses need to land on their feet. We have to make sure they’re okay.

“When we quit those casinos and got the debt written off it wasn’t the workers that paid. It wasn’t the customers. It was the taxpayer. And who really cares about that? In the end, we’re all workers and taxpayers, so it’s a service we all need.. Let the bankruptcy attorneys do their jobs for the good of America.”

The crowd went wild, though most of them had no idea why.

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About Flagg Eagleton 30 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.