Trump Fires Pants: ‘I Like Trousers That Don’t Get Crapped In’

President Trump made it clear today that he will not stand for any insolence. Not in his administration; not in his family; certainly not in his pants.

After an embarrassing outing at the Trump Crimea Resort, his pants were seen being escorted out of the building and off the property. Property manager and omelet bar chef, Artovich Tubollsniski, released a statement:

“Trump Crimea is very disappointed that this happened on our course, and to our owner no less. We don’t allow substandard performance here, so we’re now even sure how a pair of pants like that came from. The resort will reimburse the Trump Group the full $208K they paid for their stay.”

The President hasn’t released an official statement, but he was heard saying that he never expected those pants to be the ones:

“Those were good pants. My only thought is the Democrats — CLIN-TON — must have gotten to them. I’ve had many panys that have allowed themselves to be crapped in, but never those. It’s why I wear them so publicly. Obviously, nobody likes a crappy pair of pants.”

It is with a heavy heart that we can confirm that President Trump’s locker was broken into the night before and his pants were taken off-site for nearly 6 hours. Our specialists tell us that’s enough time to have them crapped in by nearly anybody. Once a pair of good pants has been crapped in, there’s a good likelihood the trend will continue. In this case, the turnover was quick, so the Dems probably went with someone on a high-fiber diet like RBG or Joe Biden.

In addition to firing his trousers, President Trump has also signed an executive order making it illegal for any pants in the Executive Branch to allow themselves to be crapped. That, folks, is a man of action. Thank you, Mr. President!

About Flagg Eagleton 20 Articles
Flagg Eagleton is the son of an American potato farmer and a patriot. After spending 4 years in the Navy and 7 on welfare picking himself up by the bootstraps, Flagg finally got his HVAC certificate and is hard at work keeping the mobile homes of Tallahassee at a comfy 83 degrees.