Internet Contest Winner That Gets To Name Baby Giraffe Says He’ll Honor President Trump


Hundreds of thousands of viewers watched “April” the giraffe at New York’s Adventure Park zoo give birth to her second calf, Friday, a fascinating and heartwarming spectacle reminiscent of when my wife, Mrs. Gunnington gave birth to our child Bumpstock many years ago at a Drive-In during the movie: “Saw III”.  Unlike the missus, however, zoo officials gave the task of naming the baby dinosaur-horse to the internet.  And the internet has spoken.

Remember when the internet warned us about Obama taking over Texas? And now Ted Cruz cries in his bed every night masturbating to The Last Temptation Of Christ. The internet knows.

In what appears to have been an organized “troll” venture, the overwhelming amount of votes went for: “Mr. Trumpyballs”, which could be taken either as an insult to the President, or a tribute to his testicles, depending on your point of view.  The next-highest vote-getter was “Donald Chump”, followed by “Marvin.”  Just “Marvin.”

Okay, we get it nerds. Hitchhiker’s Guide changed your life. Get A job.

Mr. Trumpyballs will be the fifth calf born to Alice, who will manage to care for them without getting on the welfare roll.  The baby giraffe will also be held in inside a small cage until it’s immigration status and American citizenship are confirmed.  Can’t be too careful.

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