In an unmitigated act of supreme tribute and honor, a ceremony was held off the coast of Pearl Harbor yesterday to christen the Navy’s new battleship “Donald Trump”. Overseen by four-star Navy Admiral Sanders Batt, the ceremony featured the full Navy band, a compliment of semen, and Navy Marshall Christopher Lorenz. Fireworks followed the event.
The USS Donald Trump, formerly the USS Arizona, lies in disrepair at the bottom of the Pacific, a casualty of the Japanese attack that nudged the United States into the second world war. Although the craft named for President Trump is little more than a useless broken hulk, the rechristening is nonetheless an honor seen rarely, even if the vessel is as inefficient and waterlogged as it’s globular namesake.
The battleship also resembles President Trump in other ways. Both appear to be broken down wrecks filled with kelp and mucous-like octopus snot. Neither one could today, manage through anything stormy. Both the President and the ship named for him have outdated mushroom-shaped knobs and are unable to gather intelligence due to severely damaged systems.
As our boys on the high seas give thanks, we real Americans also salute you, Mr. President. Unfortunately, after your disastrous tax cuts, we’ll just have to do it with a single finger.