Don Cheadle Found Dehydrated After Week in War Machine Costume


Veteran actor and co-star of Marvel’s popular Avengers movie franchise was found in serious condition this afternoon, suffering from acute dehydration and skin legions after quarantining himself against the covid19 virus within the confines of his “War Machine” prop armor for a week inside his Beverly Hills home.  Cheadle was discovered by his close friend and Meteor Man co-star Robert Townshend who had stopped by to pester the actor about getting him a role as Black Panther’s towel boy or something because “the cash is starting to run pretty short, you feel me?”

“What about that guy Triathalon! He’s popular, right? Can we work that shit out?”

Cheadle had apparently believed that the faux iron exoskeleton would provide him a hermetic living environment with which he’d be best suited to avoid infection from the current pandemic, as well as military-grade protection against “looting mole people” who might try to steal his valuable toilet paper stash or Best Completely Forgotton Supporting Actor award for his role in Oceans 11.  Cheadle took up the superhero mantle of “War Machine” after Cuba Gooding Jr. quit, having been refused a salary similar to Robert Downey Jr’s for the 2nd Iron Man feature.  Cheadle has done extremely well since Gooding has always been an overrated actor and proved easily replaceable.

In case there’s any more trouble with the role, Ernie Hudson has been camped out in front of Disney studios for the last nine years.

Actual leading man, Downey, remarked that his friend may be suffering from delusional behavior:

“Yeah, well, first of all, it’s not like he was that important, you know? Ask anyone who their favorite Avenger was.  Ask anyone who was the best actor in Hotel Rwanda.  You’re not gonna hear ‘Don.’  I mean I’m sorry, but the guy’s got a screw loose if he thinks he’s going to be safe inside a fiberglass prop.  That’s silly.  At least I have the Extremis update.  I’m totally safe.  Love you 3000, Don.”

Cheadle has been receiving treatment at New York’s Baxter Building Medical Center, and is doing much better after life-saving care from Doctors Stephen Strange and Victor Von Doom, who described his patient as: “Soon to be…useful…”

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