Trump Sets Crowd on Fire to Pose at Scientology Center


One thing you can say about Donald Trump is that when he goes, he goes big.  Then he doubles down.  Then he usually tweets something racist, eats a throw pillow from one of the White House couches, washes it down with a cup of steaming goat fat and 6 adderalls, and then cries himself to sleep while his loveless wife shudders in a bedroom corner, gagging from the smell of soiled underpants and sour milk sweat.  But still, he went big.

After his rousing photo-op in front of a Washington church was a huge success in convincing nearly three people that he may have once at least seen half an episode of Davey and Goliath, the *President decided to go one step farther and have himself photographed holding a copy of L. Ron Hubbard’s Dianetics in front of a local Scientology center, just in case a few of those brainwashed Corn People manage to personality test themselves enough midichlorians to be allowed to vote or whatever the fuck.

“I think there’s something about throwing babies into volcanoes or some shit like that. I don’t know. We basically just stick with handing out crackers.”

During Trump’s previous outing, security forces forcibly gassed a group of protesters in order for America’s most Grimace-like leader to waddle into frame, however, needing the sequel to have more action than the original, during this particular event, Trump himself set a crowd of onlookers aflame, gingerly stepping behind the human sacrifice for the camera lens to capture both chins.

As the photo goes viral on social media and cable news networks, the *President has not yet commented on those lost or injured during its creation, but an agent for film star Tom Cruise released a statement sending regards from the actor, and officially welcoming Trump to “Level Gamma.”



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